Journey Out of the Darkness

The 2010 Overnight was wonderful experience, but in a different way from last year’s walk.   For me, the 2009 Overnight in Chicago was about reaching out to people I didn’t know, honoring people who have died by suicide, and sharing my own experience with coming out of the darkness of depression. This year, I was more focused on my journey and the people who have supported me since I began my training in February, 2009. And that’s exactly what was reflected on the shirt I wore for this year’s Overnight.

I got lots of comments on my shirt beginning at registration. That’s always an exciting and emotional part of the event as people gather and get to know one another. My teammate and I registered early. Right after we registered, one of the other walkers approached me and told me she related to what I had written on my shirt about my journey out of the darkness. She gave me an emotional hug, which I enthusiastically reciprocated. We didn’t have much chance to talk, so I handed her a business card I had made up earlier in the week. Instead of having my work information on the card, I had my name, home contact information, and website. It was one of two cards I gave out that night. The other woman hasn’t contacted me, but this one did. I was surprised and delighted to receive a Facebook friend request from her, which of course I accepted. Although my focus this year was on myself and my teammate rather than advocacy, that connection was one of the highlights of The Overnight.

It was also during the registration period that I ran into my walking partner from last year’s southeastern Wisconsin training walks.  I hadn’t seen her since the 2009 Overnight in Chicago.  I suspected she might be walking again this year because her teammate from last year lives in Boston.  One of the many great things about participating in The Overnight is the lasting relationships one builds.  Many of the teams walk together annually, and my two consecutive years are meager compared to those of the many who have walked in multiple cities.

When the walk itself started, I was nervous about the distance. I hardly trained at all this year, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that the first few miles went by swiftly (for me, anyway) and easily. I was very careful to drink a full 20 ounce bottle of 50/50 (half Gatorade and half water) between each of the rest stops, which came every 3 miles or so. Last year, I got dehydrated and not only was loopy by Mile 13, but also took a little ambulance ride after the walk was over. My number one goal for the event was to leave in a taxi this time.

The scenery as we walked through Boston was beautiful, and you get a glimpse of that in this photo of my teammate, Robin, at the first rest stop (left). We think the last time we saw each other was in 1989 or 1990, so it was a thrill to be able to spend some Quantity Time catching up with one another. Our talks were so interesting that I think I missed a lot of the beauty of Boston because I wasn’t paying as much attention as I otherwise would have been.

Just like last year, I thought as it was happening that I would remember every moment of the walk, but it really is a blur to me now. According to my Twitter account (@overnightwalker), I was still feeling good at mile 5.6 when the picture below right was taken.  I love the perfect yellow circular signs signifying the end of each mile, but there is something truly special about the handmade signs.  It says that someone is as excited as I am about each passing step.

There had been a forecast for rain throughout the night, but the weather turned out to be nearly perfect for the duration of the walk.  It struck me funny that Robin, who lives in San Francisco, found the humidity to be heavy while I thought it was nice and dry compared to Milwaukee.  Looking at the evolution of my hair (from big at Mile 1 to 1980’s enormous by the last photo), I have to concede that point to my teammate.

Near the halfway mark, where I took this picture of another glorious handmade sign (below left),  I tweeted that I was starting to feel the distance.  I changed my socks for the first time at that stop, which really did seem to help.  It was right after that when I heard a woman tell her walking companion “changing socks helps more than I would ever have thought it could.”  She wasn’t kidding.

It wasn’t long after the changing of the socks that we came to the 10 Mile marker.  The time stamp on the photos shows the two points to be almost an hour apart, but I think Robin and I may have stopped for 15 minutes or so at the halfway point.  Even though my hair was heading into gigantic status by Mile 10, this is one of my favorite photos of the night because it is the only clear one of Robin and I together.  Most of the strangers we approached were not photographically inclined.

For the next five miles (almost two hours), I didn’t take any other pictures.  We were walking through areas that Robin, a former Boston area resident, wasn’t completely comfortable in, so it didn’t seem prudent to stop for a modeling session.  I think by that point, I also thought that the pictures of me (or Robin) standing next to the mile markers were getting redundant.  In retrospect, it would have been nice to have them.

The “midnight snack” (meal stop) was between Miles 12 and 13 this year, which I liked.  Last year, it was at the 10 mile mark.  Although I might have been ready for a sandwich by Mile 10, I liked that I was so much closer to the finish after the long stop this year.  At the halfway mark, I once again changed socks.  It felt every bit as good as changing them the first time did.

Despite having the later meal stop, Mile 13 was the hardest for me in both walks.  I seemed to get something of a “second wind” by Mile 14. It also helped that we came upon Joe at about that point.  Joe was one of the many crew members making sure all of the walkers had a safe experience that night.  He slowed his bicycle to make sure Robin and I were doing well.  Robin was having no problems, and I seemed to be getting over mine.  As we walked, Joe explained that he was participating in honor of his nephew, Terrance Anderson.  Although he never directly said how or why Terry died, it was clear when he told us more about Terry.  Joe told us we could always remember Terry’s name because the T stands for TOLERANCE and the A stands for ACCEPTANCE, two things Joe said Terry didn’t find in life and hoped he found in death.  We all stopped as, with Joe’s permission, I tweeted about his cherished nephew.  Like all of the other conversations I’ve had during The Overnight about death by suicide, this one was tinted with hope.  Joe and the other bereaved family and friends I’ve spoken with there found a way to help others by their experiences.  Before I walked in my first Overnight, I was concerned that the grief of others would trigger a depressive episode in me.  That wasn’t my experience at all.  I left both events feeling uplifted by the work that’s being done by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at the local and national levels and by the stories of those who are using some truly horrible experiences to help other people.

The last photo we took during The Overnight was of me at the 15 mile mark.  I was feeling fine and had that adrenaline rush from knowing there was less than an hour to go before we made it to the rows of luminaria bags designed by each of the walkers.  Around this time, we learned that the route was closer to 17 miles than the 18 miles it had been last year.  We were even closer to the finish line than I thought.

The last Quick Stop was just beyond the 16 mile mark.  We arrived there, and very suddenly, I was nauseated and dizzy.  I realized that for the first time that night,  I had not finished a whole bottle of 50/50 between rest stops.  In fact, I’d only drunk about 1/4th of the bottle.  I thought I might pass out, and I sat down.  The week before The Overnight, I had been diagnosed with a bacterial infection in the stomach, and the sudden nausea felt exactly like what I had experienced before I started antibiotic treatment.  Just three miles earlier, I told Robin that there was no way I would stop before the end of the walk.  I was starting to rethink that position when I was unable to maintain a standing position.  Finally, I told Robin that I thought we would need to take the “sweep bus” to the finish line.  She was wonderful about it and didn’t question or patronize me.   In fact, she was pretty wonderful about the whole night.  Robin is quite a bit taller (and far more in shape) than I am, and my walking pace must have seemed like a crawl to her.  She also carried a good deal of my supplies, which even for someone in great shape get heavy after six or eight miles.  I’m sure I was quite frustrating to Robin when we were walking in the area she didn’t feel safe at my turtle pace, but as soon as she realized I really was walking as quickly as it was physically possible for me, she kept her concerns to herself.

We boarded the bus to the finish line and I tried to keep my eyes closed to keep the bus from spinning as we waited for it to depart.  When it finally did, it seemed like we arrived at the start/finish line in no time.  We stood at the curb trying to hail a cab.  I’m not sure what the best way to get a cab at 3:45 in the morning is, but I can tell you that projectile vomiting isn’t even close.  After my dramatic event, I felt much better.  Almost good enough to walk that last mile or two, but not quite.

I had planned to “retire” from The Overnight, at least as a walker, after this year.  During registration, however, they announced that it will be held in New York next year, the home of my best friend from college.  He’s already offered me a place to stay.  How can I refuse?

Although I didn’t make it through the path of luminaries at the end of The Overnight, my bag was there.  So many of the luminaries represent someone lost to suicide.  I’m honored to walk for them, and equally proud to bring my message to professionals, survivors, and fellow strugglers:  There is hope.

After walking in the Out of the Darkness Overnight last year, I wanted to share my experience with a variety of gear walkers may use.  In Part One of the Unofficial Gear Guide to The Overnight, we looked at what I think are the 5 Essential Items for Walking 18 Miles.  Part Two covered the 6 Things to Leave at Home.

This final post details a number of items that will be useful for some people, and not worth the bother for others.  One of my goals for equipment is to carry the lightest weight, easiest to operate items I need without sacrificing safety or comfort.  Before packing any item, I think about its weight, how bulky it is, and how uncomfortable I might be if I needed it and didn’t have it.  These are all questions you will have to answer for yourself.  Whatever you decide, I strongly suggest you do a full gear walk of a mile or two using everything you plan to take with you on The Overnight.  Here are some items that are worth considering:

Gear that may or may not be helpful

1. Sunglasses – Although it’s an overnight walk, the Opening Ceremonies and the first couple of miles of will take place before sunset.  My plan is to bring some sunglasses I bought at the dollar store.  If I decide to give them away along the route, I won’t miss them.

2. Flashlight – Last year, I toyed with the idea of wearing a headlamp flashlight, but I’m glad I didn’t.  The path was well-lit and extremely well-staffed by crew members.  A keychain flashlight might be a worthwhile alternative.

3. Jacket – This is a personal preference, but the only reason I would bring a jacket is if there is a prediction for steady rain.  If it’s going to be chilly, I’d prefer to wear a wicking turtleneck under my Overnight shirt.  Less bulk; more comfort.  If you’re thinking of carrying a jacket “just in case,” decide how you will carry it when you don’t need it.  Then practice doing so on your full gear test walk.

4. Tissues – Lightweight and compact, these are worth having with you for obvious reasons.

5. GPS watch – Most people won’t want to bother with the weight, let alone the expense, of this item.  For someone compulsive about stats like I am, it’s an essential.  For people not so uptight, there will be mile markers along the route, so you’ll always have a sense of how far along you are.

6. Phone – You may want your phone to send and receive texts/Tweets/emails and take photos during the walk.  Do be aware that the rules of the walk prohibit playing music or operating your phone at any point except the rest stops.  The staff and crew are very serious about implementing the rules for everyone’s safety.  You will have the opportunity to use your phone during the rest stops, so it might be worth bringing.

7. Camera – For me, this is an essential.  I treasure my photos from last year and this year will have a combination camcorder/still camera as well as the camera on my smartphone.  If you don’t want to bother with the weight, you will undoubtedly find photos from throughout the night posted by others on Flickr.

8. Moist wipes – antibacterial hand sanitizer was provided at every rest stop last year, but sometimes you need a little more moisture.
9. Medications – obviously, bring any prescription medications.  Some over the counter pain reliever might be worth thinking about as well.
10. Zipper storage bags – if it rains, these are invaluable.  If not, they fold up to next to nothing.  I’m bringing them.
Stuff you need that will be provided:

1. Water
2. Sports drink
3. First aid items

That’s it—you now have some advice on things to bring, things to leave at home, and things to consider.  After the walk, I’d love to hear from you about what recommendations you would make! Write a comment, send me an email at overnightwalker@gmail.com, or let me know on Twitter (@overnighwalker).  Have a safe walk!

Update:  The title of this series has been changed to highlight the fact that I am not connected with The Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, other than as a walker.  As more new visitors come to this site through search engines, I wanted to be sure it was clear that I’m just a fellow walker sharing her experience.

This is the second part of a three-part series The Unofficial Gear Guide to The Overnight.  Part One (5 Essential Items for Walking 18 Miles) was posted previously. Part Three (Gear That May or May Not Be Helpful) will appear later this week.

The recommendations below are based on my experience walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s Out of the Darkness Overnight (“The Overnight”) in 2009.  Your needs may be different. I’ve provided my rationale to help you determine whether you’re likely to agree with the recommendations, or prefer to disregard them. You’ll also want to check out the Walking Clothes and Equipment page at The Overnight for some great, detailed tips.

In general, the goal is to carry the least weight possible without eliminating anything essential.  A secondary goal is to have the least complicated equipment as possible.  During your brief time at rest stops, it’s preferable to spend time using the restroom, refilling your water/sports drink, grabbing some snacks, taking pictures and interacting with other walkers/crew members than trying to get your gear in order.  Think of the rest stops as NASCAR pit stops—you want to do everything you need to do as quickly and efficiently as possible.  At the Midnight Snack, you’ll have more time to socialize, but you still won’t want to use your time on your gear.  To accomplish your goals, here are:

6 Things to leave at home when walking in The Overnight

1. Money – large sums of money, anyway.  There will be some Overnight items for sale before the walk, and you may need a few dollars for transportation, but you won’t need any cash on the walk itself.  Don’t bring any more money than you can afford to lose. Last year, one of the people I walked with left her money at a rest stop and ended up walking extra miles to retrieve it.
2. Hydration backpack – It seemed like a great idea to use one of these last year. These backpacks provide hands-free hydration with minimal effort. They are also hot and heavy when filled, and every time they are refilled need to be taken off.  Unless you take the bladder out of the backpack each time (a time consuming process) it’s hard to be sure the pack is properly filled.  Twice last year, I found myself out of water very quickly after I left a rest stop because I thought the bladder was full when it was nowhere near capacity.
3. Clothing with ties – When I analyzed my walk last year using GPS data, my speed throughout The Overnight was reasonable and consistent. It should not have taken me as long to finish as it did.  I realized I lost an excessive amount of time on the rest stops.  Some of it was because I was sending Tweets (I’m @overnightwalker—follow me), but most of it was due to things like fighting with my hydration system.  After awhile, tying and untying the string on a pair of shorts becomes a pain, too.  Ideally, you will want to make bathroom stops without having to remove your water belt or untie, unbutton, unsnap, or unbuckle anything.
4. Items that become heavy when wet – If it’s chilly out, sweatshirts and fleece pullovers may seem like a good idea, but they would be my last choice for staying warm.  If it rains, these kinds of shirts will stay wet long after the rain is over.  Then you’ll be cold AND wet.  Even if it doesn’t rain, the materials will trap the sweat that forms underneath—again causing you to be cold and wet.  If the forecast is for chilly weather, a much better idea is to wear a turtleneck made from a material designed to pull moisture away from the skin.  Look for words like “wicking” or “stay dry” on the clothing tags.  To find a wicking turtleneck this time of year, you may need to go to a sporting goods store.  You may be able to find one on clearance, though.   
5. Items you won’t use on the walk itself – Even little items may seem heavy by mile 10 or 12.  Pare down as much as possible.  For example, you’ll likely need to bring your house or hotel key, and perhaps a car key, but there’s no need to have your work keys and a big keychain weighing you down. There will be a place at the walk to check items you purchase at the event or decide at the last minute you don’t want to bring with you.
6. Anything you haven’t road tested – By road testing, I mean using on a medium length walk (about five or more miles).  Some gear is comfortable on a short walk, but can become bothersome, or even cause injury, on a longer walk.  For me, five miles seems to be the tipping point.  One example is a pair of sweatpants that I wore for my first month of training without a problem.  It wasn’t until I went five miles that I started to notice the seams of the pants’ legs.  By the end of the walk, the chafing was nearly unbearable.  I strongly recommend a “full gear” walk with all of the clothing, equipment, and personal items you plan to use for the walk.  Include everything. You might find that your elbows hit your water bottle or camera case, the legs of your shorts ride up, or any number of other unpleasant surprises. Better to find out now so that you can make changes!

If you’ve walked in The Overnight before, what are some things you brought that you wish you hadn’t?  Let me know in the comments!

The final installment of this series (Gear that may or may not be helpful) will appear later this week.  It will include a long list of items that could go either way.  For some walkers, they will be worth the weight and space to carry; for others, they will not.  I’ll also provide some brief pros and cons of bringing these items where it may not be obvious.

Updates: The title of this series has been changed to highlight the fact that I am not connected with The Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk or the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, other than as a walker.  As more new visitors come to this site through search engines, I wanted to be sure it was clear that I’m just a fellow walker sharing her experience.

You can also find some terrific advice on this subject direct from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on their site for The Overnight.  Links to their suggestions now appear throughout this article.

This is the first part of a three-part series The Unofficial Gear Guide to The Overnight.  Part Two (6 Items to Leave at Home) is now available.  Part Three (Gear That May or May Not Be Helpful) will appear later this week.

One of the more difficult parts of walking in the Out of the Darkness Overnight last year was picking gear for an 18 mile walk.  Based on my experience last year, here are the five things I think are essential for The Overnight.

5 Essential Items for Walking in The Overnight

1. Quality shoes – With less than two weeks to go until The Overnight, you should be all set, having taken care of this more than a month ago.  It takes about six weeks of training to break in a pair of shoes for an endurance event. That said, if it were a choice between new, high quality shoes that were appropriate for me and the shoes I’d been wearing around the house for the last six months, my choice would be the new shoes.

If you haven’t broken in some good shoes, my suggestion is to go to a running store (NOT a chain sporting goods store, a general shoe store, or anyplace at the mall) and get some professional advice. You’ll know you’re at the right kind of store if you see flyers for athletic events and if they want to see you walk (gait analysis) before making recommendations.  Explain that it’s an 18 mile outdoor walk in less than two weeks, tell them what kind of training, if any, you’ve done so far, and show them the shoes you would wear if you don’t get new ones.  Be prepared to spend about a hundred dollars if they recommend new shoes.  If you do get new shoes, be sure to wear them for at least one medium length walk (five or more miles) before the event. Obviously, the more training you do in them, the better.

Update:  The Walking Clothes and Equipment information provided from The Overnight gives some great suggestions about how to buy shoes.

2. Socks – This is the most overlooked essential piece of equipment Overnighters.  If you’ve gotten blisters in the past, your socks were most likely the culprit.  Look for athletic socks with no cotton. The material label should list bamboo or blends of synthetic fibers such as nylon, acrylic, and polyester.  Find these kinds of socks at running stores like those mentioned above under shoes, sporting goods stores, and occasionally discount stores (Target, WalMart, K-Mart).

Bring an extra pair or two of socks and change during one of the rest stops.  It will keep your feet dry and refreshed.  Even if you choose not to change socks proactively, if you step in a puddle you might be very thankful you have an extra pair with you.

Update:  The Walking Clothes and Equipment page at The Overnight goes into greater detail about good materials for socks.  They also have terrific suggestions on Blister Prevention and Care.

3. Water container – Water and sports drink will be provided every two or three miles along the route of The Overnight, but you need to supply your own bottle.  I strongly recommend that you have a hands-free method of carrying your bottle.  There are lots of water belt packs available.  Try on several different kinds to be sure they fit properly and you can get to the bottle and pouches easily.

Here is an example of a good water belt.  It’s the one I chose for this year’s walk.  The main belt, which came with a BPA-free water bottle, was about $40. They also sell accessory cases, but I added a cheap camera case to the belt loop.  The horizontal bottle keeps the liquid weight balanced.  Some belts are well balanced by having two or more bottles, but keep in mind that it takes time to fill each one at every stop.  My mantra is “quick and light.” Be sure to test whatever you buy on a five or six mile walk, filled with the things you’ll actually have with you on The Overnight.  

Update:  Be sure to check out the important information on Hydration and Nutrition from The Overnight to learn the symptoms of dehydration and electrolyte imbalance.

4. Your Overnight shirt (PLUS) – You’ll definitely want to wear the blue Overnight shirt which was sent to you when you registered. It’s not made of the best material for a distance walk, though.  I strongly suggest wearing a shirt underneath that’s made of a wicking material.  This material will pull sweat away from you, helping you stay dry.  If it’s cold out, you’ll stay warmer; if it’s warm out, you’ll stay cooler.

Last year, it was warm and humid during The Overnight, but I never felt sweaty thanks to the sleeveless wicking shirt I wore under my Overnight shirt.  It also helped me dry off in no time after rain showers.  I have not found any significant difference in the quality of wicking clothing available at discount stores from the clothing in higher priced running stores.

5. Paperwork – Be sure to bring your E-Ticket (it will arrive via email about a week before the event), a printout of your Donor Drive page showing your current amount of donations, a photo ID, and your insurance card. The insurance card is optional, but I recommend bringing it (or a photocopy) if you’re from out of town.  In the event you need medical care, it will save you from hassle after the fact.  I speak from experience.

If you have good shoes and socks, a place to carry your water and other essentials, a wicking shirt under your Overnight shirt, and all of your paperwork, you will start The Overnight prepared.  Whatever your choices, look for gear that is lightweight and quick and easy to operate.

Next in the The Unofficial Gear Guide to The Overnight series:  6 Items to Leave at Home.

It was a chilly 45 degrees with 20 mile per hour winds and some drizzle, but walking today wasn’t nearly as miserable as I would have expected.  One thing that seemed to help a lot was using hand warmers. Another thing that made the time seem to go more quickly was that I had downloaded some walking podcasts.  The music was mostly techno pop instrumentals.  Something about the lack of vocals and the driving, rapid tempos made the time go by more quickly.

Training: 8.07 miles in 2 hours 41 minutes

Today I read about a fascinating study by Rush University Medical Center in Chicago.  It showed that people who believe in a caring God responded better to medical treatment of depression than those who do not.  75% better, in fact.  The article, from Medical News Today,  can be seen here.

These findings support a couple of things which are part of my personal belief system.  Before I get into that, I would like to quickly state that I don’t mind if your beliefs are different from mine because I think as people we only grow from discussion of and challenges to our beliefs.  As long as we are all respectful, disagreements can be beneficial.  Okay, back to the nitty gritty.  One of my core beliefs is that there is a God.  I also believe that God answers prayer, but not always in the way we hope and/or expect.  If I ask for relief from depression, that might come in the form of finding a great physician or therapist, a new medication, my support system of friends and family, or some combination thereof.  I don’t believe that medication works better for believers because it’s somehow specially blessed.  Maybe, though, our belief in God’s power does enhance our receptiveness to medication and therefore our healing ability.

Speaking of healing ability, I had an interesting discussion with a good friend who believes strongly that she was healed by God of her bipolar disorder.  She has been off of medication for several years and shows no signs of the disorder now.  She had hoped to see more discussion of the healing possibilities of God on suicide prevention sites.  Through my discussion with her, I came to the conclusion that, had I been healed of my own mood disorder, I would have missed out on a remarkable opportunity to connect with people through my struggles.  I’m a better person because of what I have been through with depression and bipolar disorder, and I like to think I’ve touched a few lives positively, too.  Which brings me to my next core belief:  God does not solve problems with a one size fits all approach.  He created us to be unique and offers individual solutions which meet His needs and our own.

A special thank you to my Twitter friend @PeerViewMirror, who brought the article to my attention.  He has a great new blog at http://peerviewmirrorblog.net.

What are your thoughts on God, depression, medical, and non-medical treatments?  Please share in the comments!

For the second time in two weeks, I seem to have caught something that was going around work.  By sometime late this evening, it seemed like it might be okay to exercise.  I did a little over half of an aerobics tape before running out of steam.

Training: Cross training – 37 minutes of Sweatin’ to the Oldies 2

Today was a day off for me in my training, but I’m posting to remind you to vote!

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention is eligible for a $50,000 grant to educate teachers about depression and suicide prevention in teenagers, and they need your votes to win. Please go to 
http://refresheverything.com/teendepression to cast your vote. 

It was cold and windy this evening, but I was able to walk like my old self again for the first time in awhile. My 4 mile pace shocked me. I’d have to go back and check, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it were a personal record.

Training: 4.14 miles in 1 hour 18 minutes and 26 seconds

Today’s walk was wonderful, because it included my older daughter and grandson. Walking is not something my daughter particularly enjoys, so I was delighted when she called me this morning to ask if I wanted to go for a walk with her and her son this afternoon. It was something she knew I would like to do, and it seemed like a tremendously thoughtful request.

After work, we packed up my 7 month old grandson and all his supplies and headed for the lake (after a brief pit stop for my physical therapy appointment). It was an unseasonable 80 degrees this afternoon. Much of the walk was a casual stroll, stopping to show the little guy the geese or finding the toy he dropped in his stroller. When we got to the kite shop, I bought a soda for my daughter and left them to rest for half an hour while I walked in high gear. My grandson was still wide awake when I got back, enjoying watching the variety of people going by.

Training: 3.67 miles in 1 hour 28 minutes and 48 seconds